I swear ... I really do. It’s very occasional. In fact, I’ve sworn in frustration or anger just four times in my life. Some people may say that’s not bad going for someone in their fifth decade of life, but for me it’s a personal disaster. I feel like I have destroyed a bit of my soul with each word of distaste that I utter (or think). That’s why I remember each and every time. I remember what led up to the different events. I remember why I swore. Most of all I remember how swearing at people makes me feel. I feel lost. I feel separated from myself. I feel alone. Most of all I feel afraid and out of control. Swearing may have been my last resort on these four occasions but that doesn’t mean those are the only times I’ve been angry or frustrated in my life. It’s just that the other times when people have told me to go away or to be different to who I am, I have used other emotional signifiers. Swearing has never been a constant in my life; in fact, I don’t much like to hear it, so saying it is even more of a horrifying occurrence for me. I know that swearing is commonplace – I don’t live under a rock. However, it’s not common in my life. I know a fair number of words and yet when I have resorted to swearing these four times I have interchanged the same two phrases. They cut through me as they leave my mouth. I am disgusted at myself and I am sorry in the moment that I bow under the weight of this feeling the need to release my frustration in that manner. That sorrow remains with me as the words float around in the air. As they sink into the heart and soul of the recipient. Sadness is multiplied many times as the simple sharp words are replayed by me in my mind, day after day after day. That sorrow stays. It’s like a millstone studded with sharp knives that repeatedly cut into my conscience. Even when I eventually forgive myself for breaking my own standards I still remember what I did. I am not pleased with myself for swearing. I never will be. I just hope I never get to a full handful of times that I behave like that. I swear ...
Posted on: Tue, 08 Oct 2013 11:23:55 +0000