Insert #94 I woke a while later in my room. The room was so dark and cold, i got off the bed and went to switch on the light and close the windows then sat on my bed again. I took out ma phone and went through it, i had a lot of missed calls and messages from my friends and school mates. I read the messages, most of them were telling me how sorry they were about my loss, sending out their condolonces. After reading them all i switched off my phone and let out a huge sigh, why were all the bad things happening to me? Havent i suffered enough already? Why do i keep on losing the people that i love? I was tired of the pain, i was tired of crying, tired of people telling me that all will be well, tired of people telling me that they understand. My heart was heavy, so heavy. It was like a sharp sword was used to rip it apart. I was drained emotionally, i just had no strength to carry on, no hope for tomorrow. A huge part of me died too. Was lukhanyo next? I mean doctors had no hope for him, they were just hoping for a miracle to happen. I took my bible and knelt down on the bed. Maybe i needed to have a one on one conversation with God. I needed him to make me understand why all this was happening, i needed him to show me the way, to strengthen me, give me hope, enlighten me cause i was surely surrounded by some dark cloud. Tears rolled down my face, i had everything planned in my mind, the right words to use but i couldnt utter a single one. How does someone survive all this? Will i ever get over this? I held my bible close to my heart and closed my eyes and said a lil prayer to my God. How does one live with so much pain?? Me: dear God, you know whats in my heart, please heal my pain. Show me the way, how do i carry on? Where do i start? Father almighty hear my prayer. In the mighty name of jesus, Amen. I sat on the bed an wiped my tears away, my baby kicked. I smiled with tears in my eyes and rubbed my tummy. My little soldier, daddys angel, our little creation. It was so sad that he/she was gonna have to grow up without a father, that he/she was never gonna feel his touch, his love but i know for a fact that Bokang would have loved the baby and that he would have been a great father too. Maybe this baby was the sign i was looking for, my hope, my light through the darkness. I needed to be strong for his/her sake. The baby kicked again making me smile once again. It was so sad that i had to go through all this exprience alone, i remember ho Bokang wanted to feel his baby kick, how he would hold my tummy and talk to it, how he would lay his head on my tummy and say he is bonding with his unborn. I sobbed silently, never in my wildest dreams have i thought that i would have to raise a child alone, what am i even gonna tell the child? How do i explain this? I cried a little louder. My dad rushed into my room and held me in his arms rocking me back and forth. Minutes later, i broke the hug and wiped away my tears, dad made me stand up, took the bible on my bed and he gave it to me. He told me to pray, to never lose hope, to pray for a better tomorrow, to strengthen my relationship with God because in every dark cloud, there is a silver lining then he went out. Later on that day, i was having dinner with my family. Someone buzzed at the gate then Phawu went to open. Andy came in with Kamo and a man i did not know, they all greeted then Kamo gave me a tight hug. He looked drained, he had even lost a bit of weight. Must have been hard losing his little brother, his best buddy. They came to let us know bwt the funeral arrangement. Bokang would be burried 3 days from that day, they wanted to do it as soon as possible to spare us the heartache, not that it really made a difference. They also mentioned that the memorial service would be held at school on thursday. A while later they left and We watched tv but i was not really concentrating cause i was caught up in my own miserable thought. Dad was looking at me with so much pity, not that i blamed him cause i was feeling sorry for myself too. The pain was just too much. Later that night we all went to bed, it was kinda hard for me to fall asleep but i eventually did. I had one of those lucid dreams. I was in a park with Bokang and a little baby boy bwt 3 months old. We were just sitting having our own family time. Bokang suddenly picked up the baby and told me that they had to go and i had to stay behind. He told me he could not leave me with the baby cause it will be too much for me, that this was the best way for all of us. He told me that he was leaving and he would never come back. I was shocked, why would he want to leave me alone? Even take my baby along? I tried to fight him but he said it was for the best, he stood up and walked away with my baby, then turned around and they waved goodbye. I did not wave back, i was angry. How could he? I was screaming at him. I felt someone shake me, it was my mom, she hugged me tightly and i just cried. :( :(
Posted on: Mon, 13 Oct 2014 03:01:46 +0000
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