Ive decided to write this, because im bored and lonely... I need to get this off my chest. I dont really like talking about it... So i hoped that it would be easier to write. After all, it isnt that easy being sick for a long time. We all have some problems that we need to fight for.. This is the problem Im facing, and this... This is my story. Month 1. It all started as a cold. We were going on a school trip in a few days. So I decided that I would go, its just a cold after all. Nothing more. I ended up in the same room as someone i didnt really like. After some time i started to pity him, he looked lost. I didnt tell anyone this, but I felt bad when looking at him. He must have felt so lonely. We were going on long trips every day, and we ate good food. It might have been some of the best time in my life. I started getting a little bit worse every day i was there. So i found a place i could get some time alone. Its a long time since I was there... So the memories are faint. However, the memories I remember, are some that i want to keep in my heart. The whole first month, it felt like I had a fever, and that all my energy was gone. Month 2. *sigh* One month wasnt that bad... But what the hell is going on? This cold should have ended by now. Something is really wrong. I dont like this at all. Im trying to go to school when I can.. But Im not even able to stay for a whole day without lying in bed for a week? (somewhere in the middle of the month) I feel a little better, perhaps it is going to end now? Perhaps I can continue living? I should try going to school more often. I got to know someone on the computer. A girl that got something called M.E. What kind of hell is that sickness? Damn.. Poor people that have it, I wish them all the luck in the world. Thats not what i have. Im getting well again soon... Aint i? Month 3. This cant be right... This has to be a dream. That is the only explanation, its just a dream, isnt it? Sun up, sun down... What an annoying routine. Ive started to go to an acupuncture guy lately. It is helping me a little bit. Im at least not in that much pain now. Perhaps he can help me get better? I hope he can. I want to see my friends again, I miss them. My social life is rotting away. It feels like I dont have any friends. I feel so damn lonely. I just wish that i could go back to school. This is so unfair. What have i done to deserve this? Im trying to be as nice as i can all the time. Its just not fair... Its Christmas soon. I wonder how everyone is doing. Im sure that i will return to school soon! Perhaps I will even be back after Christmas! That would be the best gift i could ever get. Just being able to see my classmates and friends. They are the fuel that brings me forward. Month 4. Ah. I lost track of time a long time ago. Time is passing so slowly. It feels like Im going to throw up or pass out any moment. I just want to sleep and wake up when im okay again. I wonder how everyone is doing. There has been some time since i have been at school. I wonder if they miss me. i miss them... I dont say it often, but thank you everyone. I was at school and they all cheered me. What is this feeling i feel..? Im so happy that i could cry. Thank you so much. Month 5. Im just getting worse. Should I give up hope? No. Do I want to? No. Will i ever give up hope? It will snow in hell before i give up. I think I failed to understand how important my friends were in all the chaos at school. Now I understand that without friends, you just sink down in your chair. Wondering what to do next. While hoping for anyone to just come and say that everything will be alright. You dont even know how much those words mean. I have started to ask some questions.. What week is it.. What day is it.. What month is it.. It has been five months now. However, it feels like a lifetime. But My hope is my armor. That keeps me safe, and allows me to move forwards. And my goal is my tool. That reminds me of all the reasons not to give up. Why you never shall give up anything important to you. Month 6. Laying in bed wanting to talk to someone that you cant talk to because of a sickness, and that you do not want to be looked at with pity in their eyes. I dont like pity. I dont need it. Im fine without it. This feels like some kind of a sick joke. I know that i didnt care that much about school. But for the love of god. Why isnt anything good again? It has been six months. It feels like I have been in hell. Perhaps this is my hell? No school, less than a hand full of people that Im talking with. But Im glad that Im not all alone. The difference between one friend and none is as big as the sun and moon. Month 7. I miss you guys. I claimed that I liked to be alone. And I believed it. And In a way. Yea... I did. But now i understand that nothing is worse that being all alone. I still cling to the hope I have, that it will disappear one day, and that i can come back to school. And that everything will be as when I left. But I guess it wont be the same. No matter how much I dont want it to. Im still sick, and I have been sick. I cant change that. Month 8. So May is upon us now. I should go to school at my birthday. I miss everyone, and I want to say hello, I wonder if they remembered. Im looking forward to it! They didnt forget it, when I entered the hallway they even started singing happy birthday to you. I have a wonderful class. No. A wonderful school. Giving up now wouldnt be right. It would just be wrong. As simple as that. Ive started to wonder what people thought about this sickness, everyone Ive talked to have been supporting me, everyone saying that they think that I will make it. Those words were like fuel to the fire, I know that I wont give up. I know that i will make it. Month 9. Watched a lot of anime lately. (drawn Japanese series.) I have found some that have been helpful. Some of them learned me new stuff, and some old stuff. Some sad. Some cheerful. Nevertheless, they all reminded me of school. I wonder what everyone is thinking about me. I wish I could ask them. But its not like I can go to them and ask. However. Summer break is coming to an end.. And I want to start this year as a normal student. Laughing.. Cheering. Reading. Maybe my friends are preparing for school as I write this. Well... Probably not, if i know them right. well, for them Summer break has just started I think.I even miss my teachers. They might be a weird bunch. They are always happy. And smiling. That is at least how I chose to remember them. I was really lucky, and happy with my class and teachers. I wouldnt change them for anything. Month 10. This is like a bad joke. Ten months.. Ah well, could have been worse. I could be all alone. If I were all alone then i wouldve given up a long time ago. Thank you everyone. I cant say that enough times. Today isnt that bad i guess. Feels like i have a fever. But the good thing is that my head doesnt hurt as much. And that is really a good thing. This is the end for now i guess. This is how far it has gotten. This is perhaps how far it will go. No one knows. I could be okay again tomorrow. Or I could be worse than ever. the hope of being well again. It is just all I need.. My blood boils when I even think about giving up, to let go of hope. Hope... I do not ever think that something will be more important than that.. Even if its just a word with four letters. It holds all the power in the world. Thank you for reading this.. I do not know who you are. Where you are from. Or what kind of problem you are facing. But just remember, with hope and by never giving up... You can do anything. -Wiliam Gundersen Lund.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 12:05:29 +0000
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