Make Yourself A Celebrity In Uganda. By Owen Erima There are an estimated 35 million Ugandans. An overwhelming proportion of these will live and die unknown and unsung. Airports will not be named after them. Neither will universities be established in their honour. One hundred years from now, people will not even remember they ever existed, except that they might have some children and grandchildren still hanging around. Surely, you don’t want that to happen to you. You want to be known. You want to be rich. You want to be a man or woman of timber and calibre. There are peculiarly Ugandan ways to achieve this. The formulas have been firmly established by our good-for-nothing politicians and businessmen. But don’t worry; they don’t own the copyright to them, so you are free to follow their vainglorious footsteps. Don’t waste your time going to school. Don’t waste time trying to develop a cure for cancer. Ugandans-are not known for such endeavours, and we don’t appreciate those who waste their lives ensuring we have a better future. We are only interested in those who are committed to today. If you want to be a ‘big’ man or woman; if you want to be well-known and highly-regarded in Uganda, there are a few easy steps you need to take. Here are some suggestions that are bound to ensure that you soon become the talk of the town. Steal public funds Ugandans love thieves. We have a lot of respect for them. Thieves are the men and women of the people. Thieves are deemed to be people of courage and strategic thinking. In a nation of the poor, people are concerned that their kith and kin should be represented in the tabernacles of the looters. Otherwise, we feel short-changed. Therefore, the man who wants to be highly-esteemed knows his thievery will elicit wide support and appreciation among his people. If you ever get access to public funds, don’t make the mistake of stealing millions of shillings, steal billions. Remember, you might not get a second chance. It is turn-by-turn Uganda Limited. Commit a tithe of your stolen loot to public largesse and you are in for the good. Use a fraction of it to build a monument for yourself in your village and bring the press to the unveiling. Steal billions then spend a few thousands sending three children in your community to school. In no time at all, you will become a superstar. Friends will donate their daughters for you to marry. Streets will be named after you long before you die. You will be invited to sit at the high table at public functions. Display your wealth. Ugandans have a simple demand: “Show us the money.” Therefore, show off the money. Don’t buy a Mercedes Benz or Toyota Harrier. Every Tom, Dick and Harry now drives that. Drive cars that are outrageously expensive and unusual. Make sure they are bullet-proof; not because anybody will shoot at you, but because bullet-proof cars are more highly-regarded. Buy a Ferrari, an Escalade or Cygnus . Let it be in a flashy colour. Then cruise every now and then in the Jinja road traffic jam. Get a good Public Relations firm. Give them a simple agenda: to make you famous. Make sure you are at any and every happening event in Uganda. Hang out with celebrities. With brown-envelopes given to strategically-placed journalists, you can ensure you are always in the news. Make sure you are a regular feature in the Ovation and style pictorial magazines. If you are caught by the Police or Anti-Corruption forces and brought to trial, buy beers for your supporters’ club and buy fuel for boda boda motorcyclists. Bring them to court with you so they can sing your praise-songs. Write a cheque and give it to the judge. The case will be promptly thrown out on the grounds of a technicality. Run for president of the country or any public Office If you want to be highly esteemed in Uganda, you need to run for a high office. Don’t waste time focusing on being a local government chairman. Run for president or Member of Parliament. The fact that you don’t stand a chance does not matter. You will get all the plaudits you need by the mere fact that you ran for the office. Declare your candidacy long before the election, so you will have a long time to be interviewed on the radio and television and to have specials done about you in the Newspapers. Enjoy the limelight. Tell people that a prophecy once declared that you are the next president of the Republic of Uganda or the next Member of Parliament of your area constituency. Don’t worry when this prophecy fails. People are more interested in the declaration of a prophecy than in its fulfilment. If it fails, you can keep running for election as president every five years. That way, people will realize that your prophecy is still on the way. When the election results are announced, go on television and declare that it was the worst election in the history of Uganda. Tell the people the election was heavily rigged. Indeed, you have never seen such a massively fraudulent election in your entire life. Tell Ugandans you are the people’s choice but not the Electoral Commission’s choice. And a Celebrity you are in the Pearl of Africa. . owener2009@yhoo erimanotes.wordpress
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 16:51:50 +0000
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