Over the last tenish years my two doctors (whom I trust and have worked with for decades, now) have gently, tentatively asked me numerous times, have you ever thought that you might be slightly bipolar? I didnt see it, but I launched a few CPU threads to see what might get dug-up...they have reported back to me (this week). I did not realize that I had any denial left in me anymore, but I found some this last week and Im squashing it quickly. Normally when I get what I call spun-out I would go out into the woods, alone, and just deal with it head-on. I didnt know what it was, only that I had to get through it. I *ALWAYS* get through it. The last fewish weeks I have noticed my spin-out happening, and have, as is normal for me, dived into it head-first to figure it out. My brain also reported back to me this last week that it figured out that my two docs are right, Im slightly bipolar. I believe that it (some sort of bipolar disorder) runs down my dads side of the family, as I watched my dad go through these cycles, and I took careful notes (I always take careful notes). My dads dad had similar problems, and would lock himself in his study...no one wanted to deal with him so they just left him alone as screaming and breaking-things and crying ensued. Eventually, my dads dad committed suicide. My father attempted suicide many times (he eventually succeeded with Kesslers whisky and codeine). The two times I have felt suicidal I checked myself into the VA hospital. I have MAD survival skills, no one should ever worry about that. I also have RULES that are INVIOLATE. I love my friends and I LISTEN to them when they tell me things about my behavior and I take care of it, immediately. What I KNOW right now is that I can survive these things; I always have. I know that I have the tools to deal with them, too. It aint pretty, but I can do it. I also know that I need to re-institute my journeys to the woods, because I get through it more quickly and less painfully out there...I can yell and scream and pound on the earth and no one calls the cops...and I dont destroy anything (like my phone). Still, I am going to explore options for treatment, specifically for when I catch my spin-outs happening (which I am getting better and better at). So thats my good news, and it is GOOD news. Knowing is half the battle.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 03:23:05 +0000
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