Smiles for 6-27: Prescription Bottle A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. Be sure not to take this more often than once every four hours, the pharmacist says. Dont worry, replies the patient. It takes me four hours to get the lid off. Point of Service At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. No, no, I said. Those jeans look terrible on you. Ill go get you another pair. As I walked away, I heard him mumble, I was trying on the shirt. Steak A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiters thumb is resting on the meat. Are you crazy? yells the customer. You bring my food with your hand on my steak? What? answers the waiter. You want it to fall on the floor again? Moms Survival Tips To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on a list of life lessons: 1. Dont sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about. 2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when youre taking a shower. 3. When someone tells you that what hes about to say is for your own good, expect the worst. 4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic. 5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but dont swallow it whole. 6. When a politician says, Let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually wont. 7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever. 8. If someone says, I know what I mean, but I just cant put it into words, he doesnt know what he means. 9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time. 10. Dont waste time trying to be your own best friend. You cant pat yourself on the back, and its unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. No Insurance A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, the nun said while patting his hand. We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance? No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely. Can you pay in cash? Im afraid I cant, Sister. Do you have any close relatives, then? Just my sister in New Mexico, replied, but shes a spinster nun. Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith, the nun replied. They are married to God. Okay, the man said with a smile, then send the bill to my brother-in-law. Oxymorons Ancient Greek : Oxus = sharp Moros = dull Oxymoron = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise. ... a self-contradicting phrase. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. The saddest moment in a persons life comes but once. Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is. Black Light Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Left Handed Screwdrivers. Striped paint. Pigeons milk. Straight hooks. Cooking glue. It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe. ... about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink. The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams. compulsory volunteers college student jumbo shrimp That shoe fits him like a glove. A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. Just lost a shoe? she asked. He answered, Nope, just found one. Classified ad: For Sale: Mans suit, perfect fit. I wouldnt be paranoid if everyone didnt pick on me. Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink. Teachers About To Retire You know youre a teacher about to retire when... 1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, Oh, stop smiling! 2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize youre buying books you wont need next year. 3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier. 4. You find yourself saying, Yes! whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year. 5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria. 6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile. 7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown. 8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases. 9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, My son is hoping to get you next year, you just smile! 10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn... and praying theyll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon! [ GCFL.net - The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)] =========================== Heavens to Murgatroyd! & Snagglepuss & Daws Butler Do you know the connection of the above 3 names ?
Posted on: Fri, 27 Jun 2014 04:50:41 +0000
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