Wow! I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for two days and my nerves are strung tighter than a drum. Another day of the infamous year of “FIRSTS” survived, however, we still have our little fractured family’s celebration on Sunday. I made that stupid promise to my baby girl that I would not be sad or cry on the 24th and 25th so her spirit could be free to leave me to enjoy the best darn birthday party ever, but she was also told rather sternly my Koonie she better be back on the 26th and she is. It was pretty tough. Ronnie and I went to my cousin Frank Forgey’s house for dinner. He always makes us laugh so hard and for a while sadness wasn’t in our life. Thanks Frank and Pam, we love you. Ronnie and I decided since Brian had to work Christmas Eve, we would take advantage of that by switching up our whole routine. Mama Koonie not liking this, just putting that out there! I checked for the Christmas day Mass schedules and thought St. Peters had a 7 a.m. Mass. NOPE, so we went up the street to St. Joseph’s Cathedral, my old parish: NOPE, at this point I told Ronnie we really needed to find someplace opened so I could use the bathroom: NOPE not on Christmas morning at 7 a.m. at least! So he drove by Immaculate Conception where we were SURE their Mass was at 8 a.m. to see if it was opened yet: YEP!! We were in that church for almost 2 hours by the time Mass finished. YIKES. However it was a beautiful Mass and the church was very pretty (note: Cindy Rackers Remmert it was Fr. Cox who was the celebrant). I did o.k. until Silent Night was sung and then I cried. Couldn’t help it. Has to be the most beautiful song ever……We came home and decided to stop at our daughters grave. Damn, why did I ask to do that? I can handle my pain, but when I see or hear either of my two men crying I fall apart. Ronnie stood behind me while I did a real quick swipe to get the dirt off the top of her stone and I think I actually “heard” his tears because when I turned around, he was crying the biggest crocodile tears looking at her picture that is still by her grave (I hope they never take it down). All I could do is go to him and hold him while he cried. He just kept saying it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. No it isn’t babe, but we can’t focus on it if we are going to survive this hell on Earth that we have to live in. I didn’t say anything out loud, just let him cry and repeat that same thing as many times as he wanted. Is it possible to be angry and then again not be angry for the same thing? I am not angry at God for Corrie’s death, I am not angry at either driver of the boats, but I am angry that my husband and son have to go through this kind of pain. Brian tries so hard to be strong for us, he is a different man and will never be the same young man that he was up until the second his sister died. He has gone from older brother who was the most aggravating Hero in Corrie’s life to an only child trying to spread himself too thin. Between his own family, his job, his parents and his grief I worry he is going to break down from all the stress. I know you read these posts Brian Joseph, so know from your mama, your biggest fan, you don’t need to be strong, you don’t need to keep quiet with your feelings, I would rather you be what you think is weak by crying and verbalizing your feelings, to be healthy than to be “strong” , holding in your feelings and becoming sick. Your “Beauty” needs you to be her strong and healthy daddy so you can always slay her dragons for her. Dad and I need you to be healthy and pray you are happy. I love you buddy, you may piss me off but I could never stop loving you. I love you more than a million bucks. We left the cemetery and went home to get ready for the Talken Christmas at my sister-in-law Rose’s house. What a blessing to have so many family there. Some were missing by either their choice or because they had to go to their in law’s Christmas, never the less it is always hard not having ALL the family there. My wonderful sisters-in-law Rose Rackers, Mary Jo Broderick and Sharon Rackers worked so hard and made each of their siblings and all of the grandchildren big bears made from Grandpa Alvin’s shirts. When they gave me Corrie’s bear I lost it big time, sorry Pooks even you wouldn’t have expected me to keep that stupid promise when I saw your bear. I got home and opened Corrie’s bedroom door just wide enough to put Alvin Bear in her room. I got a whiff of that stinky room, one that I would have been all over Corrie to clean so it wouldn’t stink and just smiled, then I looked up and blew her 3 silent kisses and wished her a Merry Christmas. I know how hard it was on Brian that he couldn’t make the Talken Christmas this year, but son, they are your family, they understood, they love you, and they said it better not happen next year!! Just kidding. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK BABY GIRL. This morning I let my breath that I held for two days out. I know my baby is back with me because I am surrounded by feelings of sadness over the loss of not having Corrie here with us physically. Sometimes it seems no matter how many sweet memories I have, reality barges in and brings me back to the real world with a hard crash. UGH! Thank you Elizabeth and Adam Berendzen for scaring the crap out of us last night and knocking on the window and watching Duck Dynasty with us but more importantly for sharing your dime story and making Ronnie laugh. Sorry we locked you out! Thank you Nancy Cleary, Steve Covington, Frank and Pam Forgey, Mick and Sarah G. Forgey, Sa Sa Saaaaarah Forgey, All of my wonderful Talken families, Bill and Angie Cleary, Matthew Cleary, Reid Millard, Tyler Morgan, Jen Adams, Terri Davis, Pam Wright, Diane Lock, Debby Crouch, Denise Peters, Kathy Moad, Gayla McKinnie, Van Fisher, Sue Reynolds, Steve and Evelyn Borgmeyer, all of Corrie’s buddies who texted or sent us messages, all of you on FB for thinking about us, sending messages, cookies, prayers. Our family felt those prayers as hard as it was and when I say it was hard, it really doesn’t touch the difficulty and pain. So ends another post on the day in the life of a brokenhearted mommy with her fractured little family and the ever unwanted Sybil. After Sunday, we will gear up for another “FIRST” - New Years. Think maybe I’ll just stay at home with the covers over my head, door closed and just for good measure, hang garlic with the sign “2015” on it! But I won’t, I will get up and breathe because my faith is stronger than my fear, so when I peek out of the covers and pray I am strong enough to look 2015 in the “eye” I will stand ready to b*tch slap it if needed and I will save the garlic for cooking. I will continue to pray to the Holy Spirit, I will continue to ask the Blessed Mother to pray for us, I will continue to strive to be a better person so when I die I don’t feel shame when I look in the loving face of my Lord and Savior. I will continue to live so I can be Ronnie’s wife and best friend, Brian’s mama and first best friend, and of course Elena Caroline’s Grammy, bestest buddy who will have her back no matter what. I believe because I know I will see my Corrie again, but no matter how strong faith is, a broken hearted mommy, daddy and big hero brother will continue to have bad days full of crocodile tears, not a testament of faith but a testament of love. Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Ephesians 2:8 - For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS, Butterfly kisses and Unicorns.
Posted on: Fri, 26 Dec 2014 15:24:51 +0000
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