daily blog: I want to share something with all of you.. as youre all a part of this with us. All your prayers, support, words, ect.. its become a part of our story. So I want to include you in something very personal. Its no secret to some of you who know me and my past that its been BAD. Ive been damaged from an incredibly young age by those who would steal an innocent childs EVERYTHING. Ive had a hard go throughout my life until my 30s. Either by circumstances not controlled by me, or by my own hand as I aged... And when I met Josh, God began working an incredible (yet slow) transformation in me. While weve had some really really rough patches in our marriage, Ive throroughly enjoyed my life these last 9 years and can without hesitation admit to know real JOY. So much so that if knowing that I would experience over again all that Ive been through.. just to know Id meet and marry Joshua, I would ABSOLUTELY GO THROUGH EVERY MOMENT AGAIN. HES JUST THAT PRECIOUS TO ME.... So when the cancer came into our lives three weeks ago and wreaked havoc on our personal lives, intimate lives, our finances, our childrens lives, our ENTIRE CORE OF EVERYTHING... well I would say under normal circumstances, I wouldve professed, Why me?? Havent I struggled enough???!!! Havent I had my share and them some of pain, cruelty, just everything??!!! I say to that a resounding, NO WAY!! Some might think that by some of my posts, we feel beaten down to a pulp. Well thats entirely true. I feel like weve all been been chewed up, beaten down, and broken physically, emotionally, and mentally... and at times, spiritually. BUT that DOESNT mean I feel anything but LOVE for my FATHER IN HEAVEN. I KNOW He loves us, and wants whats best for us. I KNOW He is acknowledging our pain and sees us broken. And I KNOW Hes got every single tear of ours and hurts to see us this way. And I also KNOW that Hes not done any of this to me, to Josh, or to our children. I understand that Hes ALLOWING it to happen because He sees a bigger picture, a grander outcome, and a closeness that Hes eagerly waits to have with all of us that we wouldnt have in any other circumstance. Its very very personal. While I HATE what Josh is going through, what I am going through, and what are children are going through, I LOVE that even now, I feel a new and amazing relationship with my husband Ive not known. Ive seen my own spiritual relationship with God differ and bloom. Ive seen my childrens prayers become very deep, connected, and personal to them with God. So its hard because I hate the pain, the uncertain, the complete unknown, but I love love love what were all individually finding with our Father in Heaven. So yes, Im wrestling with my feelings DAILY. Ive mentioned to some friends today that I really feel like Im bi-polar.. to the second.. one thing can change in a flash which then bears heavily on my next moment to moment. And I hear that He will certainly bend me, but not break me.. which lately with this latest sickness issue make me believe He thinks Im a contortionist, but I KNOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES JOSHUA. I KNOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. AND I KNOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES OUR CHILDREN,. So from this point on, if you hear unhappiness in my posts, disappointments, failures, pain, and crying, its legit, its okay, and its part of our journey..., also know that with that, were also finding Joy. We are in His Hands, and together with the kids, Jesus, and eachother, WE GOT THIS!!
Posted on: Fri, 16 May 2014 23:40:38 +0000
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