i have a second share posted below. she says: What can I do to curb my sons (both) defiant behavior? I will not give in to their every demand, and compromise so very rarely works. Im working with my therapist/counselor to help my older son get over this, but it seems like hes getting worse rather than better... any insights? i would need to know a lot about this situation, but i am wondering if there is any ADHD here? often that leads to defiant behavior that is not easily remedied. i also wonder if there is any family conflict, marital discord, blended families, any kind of stress in the home that they are reacting to? either way, i recommend the following: first of all get rid of at least half of the battles you pick. i would pick one battle an hour max per kid. if they dont listen, its natural consequences (e.g. if they dont do their homework, they get a bad grade. if they dont comb their hair, they have someone at school say you look like you didnt comb your hair). for the one battle an hour that you pick, make it clear with clear consequences. so: please pick up all these clothes and put them in the hamper, or there will be no TV. if they are very young, just use time outs. (get 1 2 3 magic and read that for how to best implement time outs.) also, and this is key, even if you are totally irritated and at your wits end, have special time with each son once per day for ten minutes. this is when you do whatever they want, whatever game, activity, pretend play, whatever, for ten minutes, individually. there is no instruction, questions, or anything besides narrating the play, which will look different based on the kids age. with a three year old, it would be look, you picked up the blue car! i am picking up the red one. zoom! with a nine year old it would be, oh youre really killing me here on this video game! whoa, look at you! between moderating your expectations, adding in special time, being clear about consequences, and of course working with your therapist, there may be some improvement. if ADHD is an issue, also get them evaluated. a good thing to remember with kids is not wont, cant. kids innately want to please their parents. if they seem like they wont, its likely that they cant. for some reason they just cannot listen and respond. maybe there are attention issues, maybe impulsivity issues, maybe they feel hopeless, maybe they are angry, maybe they just arent developmentally able to do whatever it is you ask, maybe they are tired, hungry, something. if even once a day you can catch yourself changing they wont listen to they cant listen because XYZ, this will be a major improvement for your relationship with them and your feelings of frustration may abate somewhat. good luck and keep me posted and thanks for sharing me! whenever someone shares Dr. Psych Mom, an angel gets his wings.
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 01:51:25 +0000
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