Time for a reflection and a word of thanks: 16 weeks ago today my life changed forever. As the year draws to a close I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my loss and also the future. From the moment that the doctor proclaimed John’s death, the words that cut through the fabric of my existence, bringing home the cruel reality of “till death do us part”, to sharing tears with the Emergency Department nurses at the end of their shift- their sorrow for me genuine and kind- I knew that my life was out of my control. I cannot express the terror of watching the life drain from the person you chose to spend the rest of your life, powerless to do anything but tell them you love them and beg them to stay. Life is so precious. It all seems like so long ago now, and in the dark nights while the shock was still settling in, my family and friends kept me sane. The wonderful community of people in FB and in life; who sent me messages of support, sharing their own stories of grief and checking in with me, talking to me and caring for me was absolutely essential to help me anchor down for the storm. As I lay in bed sobbing and crying out to John, pleading with him how the hell I was going to get through it, I heard him say “You’re the expert”. At that moment I felt more calm. I felt grateful that John lived his life free from the level of suffering that I had reached; that he died with his wife, whom he worshipped, right by his side; that he embraced life and everything it offered always. I looked within and used the two most powerful skills I have ever learnt: Acceptance and Mindfulness. My favourite book is Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” and within it, one of the most powerful and life changing quotes I have ever read: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones own way.” I could let the death of my soul mate be also the death of me, or I could vow to embrace life and cherish each moment for what it is- whilst still the experiencing the pain of my loss. Everything in life is a choice. I am grateful that I have the most special place on Earth to heal- the beautiful Henley Beach. The water that carried my husband’s ashes away has bore witness to my tears on many occasions and has gifted me with the most breathtaking displays of nature in return. I don’t think I will ever tire of its healing energy. As 2015 approaches, I will greet it with an open heart and mind. We have no idea what lyes around the corner- we are powerless to events beyond our control- all we can do is be compassionate and kind to the kindred souls around us because we are all on this Earth, just trying to find our way. I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for your support and kindness in 2014, it really has helped me in ways I just cannot express. I love you all. Xxx
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 02:27:51 +0000
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